Have I changed? Silently waited for a sign

I have wondered at various times if any transformations solidly or flexibly took place through the experience of pilgrimage. I knew I wouldn't have any way to truly measure the profundity of my experience until I observed a new response or obvious change in my own behavior and/or thoughts. Coming back I seemed to blend right in as if I hadn't left which was much different to the spiritual culture shock I experienced coming back from Bali, my first winter meditation retreat. (But perhaps this time I just learned to bring the interior back in and transition well. Being on pilgrimage versus a meditation retreat, one learns to keep an eye on the interior while shifting around in the external world as is needed for continuous traveling. And this is a good practice for being a continuous practitionner/meditator while living our every day lives in the 'non-retreat' world.)

Well, I waited for the signs without attachments. Just going about my life, business as usual, occasionally thinking, "any signs of change?". But one day, I noticed myself within a certain situation. I realized I had an option as to how and whether I reacted to a certain situation/family dynamic which has occurred many times throughout my life. JUST NOTICING I HAD AN OPTION AND THAT ONE OF THE DECISIONS WOULDN'T BE A VERY WISE RESPONSE WAS EVIDENCE that deep change had occured. I considered the results of both possible actions I could embark on and remembered Rinpoche's words, "Do not respond to anger with anger." Simple. Yet, as Rinpoche had pointed out in a teaching: One fact we know is that there is change. "What are noticeable changes and what are unnoticeable changes?" Examples from the students came: "Whether has noticeable changes... seasons.... physical body aging... objects breaking..., etc." But then one person said that "our emotions are examples of noticeable change." AHA! "Would that it were SO!" Rinpoche exclaimed. Apparently this is one of the changes that we experience regularly that are NOT noticeable. If we COULD notice when this change occured, perhaps we could do something about it, perhaps we would even remember that it was impermanent, perhaps we would not feel imprisoned by the grips of needing to keep or remove this experience of emotion.

Continuing along with my story... The fact that I could noticeably RECOGNIZE my state of mind, make a new decision and then even ACT upon that decision showed me that one of Rinpoche's teachings had stuck (ie: Do not respond to anger with anger) and that I had contemplated the deep wisdom enough times in meditation and contemplation throughout retreat that when the unexpected situation arose, the Dharma came to me like a person instructing me firmly on the path, drawing a line, not permitting me to make the wrong decision. As if a wrathful diety held me away from the obscuration with a flaming sword, not permitting my tongue to pass. My new decision floored me, because I had not realized it was not the right decision ever before. It was always just an automatic response that felt normal, familiar and thus comfortable within the family dynamic prior to this moment, and I had "always never" questioned my automated reaction. Suddenly this instant, Karma shifted. I was able to make a new decision, point my path in a new direction, and create a new Karma that would hopefully have more positive ramifications. In the moment, the lovely ramification was that I did not release my anger and receive temporary satisfaction at the cost of escalating the other person's frustration and slaying understanding. At the very least, we did not escalate, and at the very most, I did not cause my mother to stress and induce asthma. And perhaps enabled a good day and a good ripple to be released into the world. Perhaps she even enjoyed the moment.

As I like to say, Karma grew a bright new petal.

May your lotus bloom and benefit all sentient beings.