Today it's my turn...

When is it my turn?
This is not one of those lighthearted, humorous e-mails. Nor one of those flippant notes to deflect the pain inside. It's raw. Real.

When IS IT MY TURN?
I have this experience of going through life waiting until somebody else gives me permission says it's ok to have my turn. Not wanting to disrupt or inconvenience. Rinpoche scolded me gently for not speaking up when I was freezing on the bus. This was just one of many examples of times i was not feeling taken care of, nor was i taking care of myself. This trip to India has brought to painful clarity this dynamic. Hoping I am good enough and nice enough to be let in. That if i give you what you want then maybe you will let me have a turn. I usually end up frustrated, tired, spent, resentful and dissatisfied. And so i try harder. And again. And when i am tired of waiting and finally explode out, it is recieved as energetically discourteous.

Well, I am no longer waiting and no longer hoping. Today is my turn. Because I give it to me. Because I say so. I am no longer buying and curtsying my way in.

Rinpoche once told me "don't sell yourself so cheap". I thought she was just talking about my career but I have come to realize that the same dynamic runs my life. It is embarassing to look at and even more painful to continue to have. Here I declare, I am not the person i used to be. And so here's begins a year of taking care of me.

I too, am worth it.

Tibetan Doctor

We met the loveliest Tibetan doctor in Manjukatilla. Or however you spell it. His name is Dr. Nyima Tsering Lhunkhang (e-mail dor_la@yahoo.com). I will have to tell the story later, but suffice it to say he appeared as the most gentle and caring doctor I have ever met.

Rupees and vendors and sharks, OH MY!!!!!

Apparently now that several of the practitioners look slightly more like tourists and less like pilgims (sans topknot, meditation skirt and mala in hand) the vendors have turned slightly shark-like in energy. Goes to show that pilgrims have more than one kind of special protection.

Shabalek and momos

I've almost had my fill of Shabalek and fried momos -- the food we order to take with us on the long drives. Fried pockets stuffed with vegetables or mutton. You can't get anything like it in the states, unless you know someone Tibetan. Yum. However, others are now weary of this food and looking forward to green salads.

And the best Thukpa (long noodle soup) and Thenthuk (pulled noodles)was to be had in Tsok Pema. So in the transition we have mostly turned to Indian or Nepali food. Yesterday included french fries and Pepsi. Today was fried pepper beef and curries.

I'll hold out for one more special meal tomorrow for Rinpoche's Tibetan birthday. We are going to The Imperial Hotel for lunch -- the fanciest place in town. Lunch is likely to be a whopping 600 rupees (we paid 50 for soup, bread and tea for two the other day).

I will miss this place, but with the lack of Tso Pema Thukpa, my tummy is ready for home. It will be travelling with many like minded friends tomorrow night.

Rampaging elehants appear again in the plot of travel blog

Ok, so when I was in India the first time I wrote an e-mail to my father that simply said,

"I rode an elephant today, what did you do?"

It was a total hit, he loved it and I was harassed with great humor many times over sending such an e-mail. Which of course led to the running joke in this blog....."I did _____ today, what did you do?"

As I was thinking of that entry yesterday, I suddenly realized that the original sentence had another level of meaning. That in Tibetan Buddhism, the rampaging black elephant is the symbol for the untamed suffering mind. And riding the white elephant is a symbol of tamed mind, or enlightenment. I was riding a grey elephant of course, painted with some bright colors. Seems appropriate for the time, neither black or white. Somewhere in between.

After thinking baout that I have decided that we are realy in India to tame elephants. And as Drichab says, Bring on the rampaging elephants. I am ready.


Dear father,
I rode an elephant today, did you?
Pema

Safely here

pictures: craftsman at Chandichok bazaar;
celebrating N. Pema's 4th birthday as a monastic


After 24 hours+ enroute, we arrived safely in Delhi. We are approx 11 1/2 hours ahead of US Central Time (yes, that is 11 hours and 30 minutes). So it is morning of the 29th for us here and nighttime of the 28th for you. We have a nice guesthouse and are enjoying Tibetan style foods. Last evening 8 of us went out to dinner to celebrate the 4th anniversary of Ngawang Pema taking monastic vows. We shared many new dishes and when all was said and done, the entire meal cost about $10 for the 8 of us.

Yesterday N. Pema took me to the cloth sellers and then the tailor and I am having a set of monastic robes made - the entire winter set and all said it will cost a little under $50. I still need to have a set of summer weight robes made (they need to order in a different bolt of cloth for that), but you can see we are having good prices.

Enough of price comparisons. Now for the good stuff. Down the street from our guest house is a small monastery. Every morning from 7-8 am there are prayers/chants broadcast in the streets of this neighborhood from the monastery. It is so pleasant to hear this every morning. We are staying in a Tibetan resettlement neighborhood with narrow streets, many shops, ordinary people and monks walking the very narrow streets. So far we have not seen female monastics other than those in our group. Everyone watches us as we walk down the streets. I still feel like I am walking a gauntlet of eyes and I hope my comportment is appropriate - not too "American" (read rude) and and yet confident and respectful. Cross cultural communication is a challenge for me here. I find I am constantly amazed at how Pema graciously negotiates this aspect and I hope by the time we leave, I will have learned to be as skillful as she at this.

We leave soon for a day at the bazaar and then our major "shopping" is over and we are to be on a more strict mind of pilgrimage. For those at home who are joining us in spirit, Rinpoche is asking that practice 3 times per day (at least).

I may not get back on for several days. I am not sure. We leave tomorrow for our next destination and will return here at the end before we depart India.

may there be a rain of dharma

Prayer wheels

doing well in india. slept about 12 hrs the first night here. ate lots of tibetan food yesterday. was pleasantly surprised by warm water this morning. this is very good.

it's been so long since i've been here, but the sounds, smells, and sights of india seem so familiar. much love. shell

I went a little Punk Rock in India

Once I crossed paths with a man who had especially orange hair. The kind of orange that reminds me of fresh zinnias on a bright Summer day. I learned something in that brief crossing, something especially deep and profound. I was meditating last night when I finally realized what I learned.

A single question, at the right time, expressed properly is a life changing event.

Every day the possibility for extraordinary change looms in the background tapestry of our life. It is expressed in this single question -- a question that when asked will move the earth, light up life, and shake the status quo in which you are living. Some of you inherently know of this underlying question. The one that might feel like an itch or restlessness and might even make you a little nervous. The one that drives you to abandon old accepted ways in order to feel alive again. The one that might drive you to challenge the status quo in your own life.

So there I was, crossing paths with the man with orange hair, when I realized that we all walk around with this question in our hearts. A sort of Punk Rock question -- a 'let me break out of this box and feel alive again question.'

Yeah, sort of like Punk Rock. Except when you challenge the status quo, it is your own inner status quo. And when you express your individuality you do it through removing your energetic ties to your old tired habits that have long been outgrown. Instead of focusing on your ties to useless societal norms (I am not saying all norms are useless), you look inward for radical change. And there sits the question.

Let's think that this life changing question is a question that creates positive change because the nature of the question is to be open to positive change. And let's say that that opens you to a kind of wisdom answer.

Then we begin to have a truer Punk Rock, a sort of an enlightened form of Punk Rock, where the downside of Punk Rock never happens. The totally high highs and really low crashes aren't necessary. Where challenging the norm never harms, only helps. Where feeling totally alive -- where feeling totally clear and high does not require negative charges or angry resistance (or restricted substances), only radical and proactive change to the status quo. Where feeing alive is never fllowed by tired and exhausted. And where again, radical change is only in beneficial directions.

The man with orange hair has a question, and he wears it on his sleeve. I have no idea what the question is, but I hope that when he asks it, that the answer he gets is so filled with wisdom and makes him feel so alive that that orange hair stands on end - just like the wisdom flames in traditional Thankas. Wouldn't that be cool to see?

But more importantly, this led me to look at my own heart question and to realize that it is not carrying the heart question that is important, it is the expression of the heart question.

And here I am in India, alive in this present moment, fully realizing my heart question and thinking, wow, I owe this understanding to the guy with the orange hair.

So if you see him, tell him I went just a little Punk Rock while I was in India, minus the orange hair of course.

And another thing -- there are Punk Rockers in this world who have a deep and profound sense of respect for others. And from time to time they express it deeply and honestly and even in public. Now, I am sure that there are a lot of people out there are feeling that I am stating the obvious, but I feel that when it is sincerely expressed by this group it often goes unnoticed.

I'd like to thank that man with orange hair for his kindness in taking time to demonstrate so sincerely, outwardly, inwardly and deeply this sense of respect.

And the best part is, it was so natural he may not even know that he did it.

Thank you Pema - and chanted welcome!

While many of us have thanked PEMA for the blog, I am especially thankful for the packing tips. Now that we have reached Delhi I can truly appreciate the wisdom of.... antibacterial towelettes!

We had a short night and got to the guesthouse around 2:00 am. We were wide awake and probably too loud for the other residents. I believe we woke Tinley who came to help us with our luggage. When we finally settled down however, we were rocked awake by the enthusiastic chanting of a very boisterous monk next door. I don't know what he was chanting but he was doing it with passion and convinction :-)

When i finally realized he was chanting -it is a very different Hindu-like rhythm- i was comforted by the idea that we were being enveloped with prayers. What a wonderful welcome. Understanding the words became irrelevant. Energetically, it felt good.

And more to come :-)
Many blessings,
Trilbu.