Today it's my turn...

When is it my turn?
This is not one of those lighthearted, humorous e-mails. Nor one of those flippant notes to deflect the pain inside. It's raw. Real.

When IS IT MY TURN?
I have this experience of going through life waiting until somebody else gives me permission says it's ok to have my turn. Not wanting to disrupt or inconvenience. Rinpoche scolded me gently for not speaking up when I was freezing on the bus. This was just one of many examples of times i was not feeling taken care of, nor was i taking care of myself. This trip to India has brought to painful clarity this dynamic. Hoping I am good enough and nice enough to be let in. That if i give you what you want then maybe you will let me have a turn. I usually end up frustrated, tired, spent, resentful and dissatisfied. And so i try harder. And again. And when i am tired of waiting and finally explode out, it is recieved as energetically discourteous.

Well, I am no longer waiting and no longer hoping. Today is my turn. Because I give it to me. Because I say so. I am no longer buying and curtsying my way in.

Rinpoche once told me "don't sell yourself so cheap". I thought she was just talking about my career but I have come to realize that the same dynamic runs my life. It is embarassing to look at and even more painful to continue to have. Here I declare, I am not the person i used to be. And so here's begins a year of taking care of me.

I too, am worth it.

Om Sweet Om

This is my wish for you.
Hopefully you are arriving home with a sense of wonder and belonging, irrevocably enriched by your pilgrimage in India. Know that we already miss you and also carry you in our hearts and that you continue with us in Dharamsala and Tso Pema.
Many blessings...

Samsara sucks. And sometimes it sucks even more ...

Rinpoche warned us that Mahakala cave was not only the place where the former prince Siddharta meditated for several years, not only the place where a very advanced meditator had a vision of Mahakala the protector, but also the home of hundreds of beggars, living on the former charnel grounds of a long ago cemetery.

I thought we were prepared. And yet, as dozens of beggars lined up along the winding path leading to Mahakala cave, even though we teamed up, we could hardly provide enough coins for a seemingly endless line of beggars. As we walked down the path, dozens more appeared from the nearby hills running to sit at the end of the line.

At first i was hoping not to run out of money and then i realized that though it would make me feel better, it would not really solve anything. And so i kept on thinking of Rinpoche's earlier words: "Give with no sense of loss and no sense of pity. It is [just] their current incarnation." So i gave with a wish for a better future and a better incarnation for them, if this is what is indicated.

And when i ran out of coins - i did not buy more to make me feel better. I do not wish to feel better. I wish to help in a more sustainable way...

As I walked up to Rinpoche, I heard her explain that many of these beggars were karmically tied to these charnel grounds, and were being reborn there over and over again...
Sometimes, Samasara really sucks!~

My friends, we have work to do...

See you inside...

As our practioner group meditated in the Mahakala cave, I was struck once more at a theme that runs in echoes throughout the trip: The outer representations of inner places of worship.

It echoed through the teaching at Mahakala cave, the site overlooking the charnel grounds of one of the 8 great cemetaries associated with Heruka practice. It echoed through a teaching Rinpoche gave to visiting Americans in Bodhgaya when their guide - a student of Buddhism asked about Maitreya's arrival and the prediction that all Buddhas would be born in India and attain enlightenment in the same place. - like the Bodhi tree that Siddharta reputedly stared at for two weeks. "He did not stare at the tree!" said Rinpoche. "He probably did not even see the tree. He was looking inside."

Likewise, "Is Bodhgaya, Bodhgaya?" she asked in an uncharacteristically enigmatic voice?

For those of us who still did not follow, Rinpoche made it very clear: "It is not about the tree, it is not about the lotus..."

It is about the actual practice...

As Dolma and I -the last remaining pilgrims at closing time- squeezed through the illuminating gates of the Mahabodhi temple in Bodhgaya, her spoken words echoed in my heart: See you inside...

What do I tell my mother?

My Catholic mother wants to know why i want to meditate and why not stick to prayers-- Preferably the kind that starts with "Our Lord" and end with "Amen". I tell her: "The difference between praying and meditating is the difference between talking and listening. So many people say they pray to God and that God does not answer their prayers. But do they ever stop and listen?"

Enlighten up!

As a new student, one of the things I admire most about Rinpoche is her ability to communicate deep wisdom with an unwavering sense of humor. This ability to make us smile does not diminish the importance of the message nor does it lessen its impact. In fact, i imagine that laughter allows me to learn better because I listen better. I experience it as a direct access to my heart where learning happens. This is an invitation to join me in honoring Rinpoche with the same abiding commitment ... and laughter. So celebrate and.. enlighten up!

What is the mantra for rejoicing?

"What is the mantra for rejoicing?" says Trilbu.

No one knows, but her rejoicing was certainly heard by all.

Hindus only... unless you travel with Rinpoche of course.

"Hindus only". Carved on the wall at the entrance of a holy Hindu Shrine. As we visited the Golden temple in Varanasi we were escorted by our guide through the old Hindu temple and the newer mosque. From my best recollection there was a Hindu temple which was taken over as a Mosq - As you walk around the Mosq you can still see an entire wall of the original HIndu temple. Right next to it older by a couple centuries stands another HIndu temple. It was built by a queen and covered in Gold by a Maharadja later on. -Hence the Golden temple name....

The abundance of armed security officers stresses the significance of the site for Hindus, and the extreme care to make sure that riots do not erupt to re-claim the temples by both factions. The monkeys reign supreme here. Pema and I were both blessed by monkey today. She was peeded on.. and I was showed with flowers by a monkey on a roof. They must have known which one of us was a monastic and could understand blessing in its many forms :-)

The inner sanctum of the Shiva temple is only open to Hindus and Shivites. "somehow" the police commissioner approved our coming in and Rinpoche made an offering on behalf of the whole group. Rinpoche shared later that we got this special permission because we were all saying mantras and using ouir malas. They told her this group of 24 where everyone is praying is good. We want them inside. And so we went.

We were invited to see and touch the Lingam - which is the symbol of the "coming into being" of Shiva the Creator God. The holiest of places to a Hindu. We kept our traditions and our malas.. as they kept theirs. Respectfully. As we did at the burning ghats.

Hindus only. Unless you travel with Rinpoche.
Where her respectful commitment transcends barriers.
Did I hear something about teachings on the eternal religion later on in 2007?

I can wait.
For now, there is always India.

Well done. Your good karma has brought you here...

These are the words printed below a beautiful Buddha image that greeted me at the airport 3 days ago. Today, we just went on a sunset boat ride on the Ganges where I released a candle and flowers -ok, 2..- with thoughts of many blessings for all those who helped me get here. There is Natalia, who driving me to the airport, litterally took her shoes and socks off since she felt i needed different shoes for my trip to India. There is Suzel -and Dallas of course- who not only gave me a wonderful backpack as a x-mas gift but also lent me their's to minimize my expenditures on the trip. There is Patti who brought me my meditation shawl from Abu d'Abi long before I started meditating. There is also Pema who invited me along and provided lists and leggings and skirts... and of course, my mala.

Of course, there is Rinpoche. Who is providing both levity about applying different cultural standards... (like the goats and their leavings thoughout the streets) and inner meditation focus...having us be pilgrims.

I am not sure how I got so lucky. But Rinpoche says that it's all about practicing so we have more choices in our next life. After all, the burning ghats along the Ganges brought home the point of our impermanence. And so I am grateful. For this meditation pilgrimage in India and for each and everyone of you.

Thank you Pema - and chanted welcome!

While many of us have thanked PEMA for the blog, I am especially thankful for the packing tips. Now that we have reached Delhi I can truly appreciate the wisdom of.... antibacterial towelettes!

We had a short night and got to the guesthouse around 2:00 am. We were wide awake and probably too loud for the other residents. I believe we woke Tinley who came to help us with our luggage. When we finally settled down however, we were rocked awake by the enthusiastic chanting of a very boisterous monk next door. I don't know what he was chanting but he was doing it with passion and convinction :-)

When i finally realized he was chanting -it is a very different Hindu-like rhythm- i was comforted by the idea that we were being enveloped with prayers. What a wonderful welcome. Understanding the words became irrelevant. Energetically, it felt good.

And more to come :-)
Many blessings,
Trilbu.

Less than 24 hrs until departure...

Hello dear Sangha,
Less than 24 hrs until we begin our trip to India and yet it feels like the journey has already started. I find myself wanting to slow down already, progressively getting in retreat mode when there is so much left to do. Never having been on an itinerant retreat i wonder at the dynamic about being outwardly effective while being inwardly focused. This might be my first learning of the trip... to navigate airport security successfully while already being partially inward focused. Is it perhaps a useful skill to prepare for re-entry? Too soon to tell... and definitely too soon to think about...
For now, I am looking forward to seeing those of you embarking on NWA/KLM in Chicago tomorrow. I am flying out on AF later that afternoon and will love to see you off to your flight to Amsterdam. Until India.
Many blessings, Trilbu