Today it's my turn...

When is it my turn?
This is not one of those lighthearted, humorous e-mails. Nor one of those flippant notes to deflect the pain inside. It's raw. Real.

When IS IT MY TURN?
I have this experience of going through life waiting until somebody else gives me permission says it's ok to have my turn. Not wanting to disrupt or inconvenience. Rinpoche scolded me gently for not speaking up when I was freezing on the bus. This was just one of many examples of times i was not feeling taken care of, nor was i taking care of myself. This trip to India has brought to painful clarity this dynamic. Hoping I am good enough and nice enough to be let in. That if i give you what you want then maybe you will let me have a turn. I usually end up frustrated, tired, spent, resentful and dissatisfied. And so i try harder. And again. And when i am tired of waiting and finally explode out, it is recieved as energetically discourteous.

Well, I am no longer waiting and no longer hoping. Today is my turn. Because I give it to me. Because I say so. I am no longer buying and curtsying my way in.

Rinpoche once told me "don't sell yourself so cheap". I thought she was just talking about my career but I have come to realize that the same dynamic runs my life. It is embarassing to look at and even more painful to continue to have. Here I declare, I am not the person i used to be. And so here's begins a year of taking care of me.

I too, am worth it.