A zillion hello's

Dear Sangha,

I guess people are viewing the blog less frequently now as life, day by day, like a space ship pulling away from a planet which once loomed large is now a memorable past. For me, our India retreat is like that now. I guess in time those memories will join the peat bog of our past experiences being buried more deeply as time passes by more current experiences.
The burning ghats experience we shared burned itself most deeply for me. I saw one body roasting red mosaic flesh where the cloth had burned away and I was not offended. It was a potent image of my fate and sometimes when I look in the mirror and notice another grey hair it reminds me how real that is and how much I would dread arriving at my death bed not having ever "got it".
Perhaps "got it" will mean different things to everyone. For me Buddhism, especially as delivered by Rinpoche, is like a big hand placing me in outer space and saying "look there all around". I can only imagine having the perceptions to see those glittering galaxies, multiple level realities and myriad beings constantly transforming and (for what?) I would think. Why so much effort and energy for the big ever changing light and sound show we are part of?
Back on earth I'm experiencing my mood swings again and the various other "my's" I am growing tired of. I only wish for arising altruism to become more engaged though it seems to happen in small moves. May it lead to action...may we all grow tired of our "my's" and express in unique ways our purpose for being here....and may we create a more awake world.
Hope everyone well and acknowledging your journey.


I said a zillion hello's to you
and saw you as one hundred
thousand butterflies
beautifying environments
Slept near you for an aeon
and pulled my jeans on
don't know how many times

Sat in the sun contemplating
for a million years
and saw a million cars
roll by where a million
saintly beings sat
a million years ago
and twiddled my thumbs
don't know how many times

Got angry with you five hundred
thousand times
and held resentments for
a millenia
while the earth spun trillions
and the creators looked on
holding everything in place for us
do you know how many times?

Looked in the mirror
a hundred trillion times
as the faults in my mind
arose and fell away
and I didn't see myself
as I put my make-up on
a billion years passed
I don't know how many times

Surrendered to the blows of
the carver's hands
for 200 million years
spending my days in a daze
for cycles and cycles
I looked up to a vast sky
that I thought I could become
and threw it all away...
I don't know... how many times

Though all things are like a dream...

Sitting here crossed legged on the dining room floor at the Hill St. center in Madison wanting to make one final contribution to this wonderful compilation of experiences, reflections, and thoughts. What can I say...what is there left to write about..? There must be something still left to say and as I think that thought a line from Lama Chopa comes to mind.

"Though all things are like a dream, lacking inherent or natural existence..."

What are dreams? What is reality? India feels like a dream to me...Even now...I see a picture of the Ganges or remember standing on the rooftop of Ganpati guest house and still feel disbelief that I was actually there...that it was not a dream. We were really there in India, we were at physical locations named "Varansai" and "Bodhgaya"...and going further...the only thing that seperated us from the events connected with those physical locations was time...the passage of time...we were within the same space...the same space where Sidhartha attained enlightenment and became known as Lord Buddha Shakyamuni...and he is not gone...he remains...but not in the space...he remains in the Dharma...the living Dharma...

...where am I going with this post? you might ask...even I am not really sure...but there is something about the nature of time and space that is not as rigid and defined as we thought it was...and there is something about the nature of reality that is more dreamlike and flexible that we can see right now. That is what it was important for me to reflect on tonight...

And in keeping with this being the final posting that I plan to make to this blog...I want to thank everyone for being who they were in India and for being willing to make the changes that needed to happen...I include myself in this group...and I thank Rinpoche, Pema, Drichab, Dewa and many others for supporting me in that process. I look forward to continuing to integrate what happened and what I learned and watching others do the same...

And finally...I had intended to put this somewhere for future reference...but never quite got to it....so I will say a few things now in regards to packing...

What I learned about packing for a pilgrimage in India...?
1. Traveling light is very very good...the lighter the better...I think we all were overpacked...well except Pema Dorje...who I remember thinking was very lucky for not having to haul a ton of "essentials" around.

2. Wet wipes and dust masks were essential...and very hard to find in India. Toilet paper was valuable but easily found most of the time.

3. Gauze, tea tree oil, tape were the best things for cleaning and dressing owies in India...forget the fancy first aid kits. I still think the Ace bandage and disposable ice packs were a good idea...thankfully we did not need to use them. Pepto bismal for GI stuff was essential...I used my antibiotic that I brought as well. Would have loved to have Vitamin C and Echinacea along for colds as well as over the counter cold tablets. And we learned that there are mosquiotos in India in the winter...so bug spray was good...Sangmo's purification essential oil spray was very popular. Other essential oil hits were RC, Eucalyptis, and peppermint. I brought Thieves too...but mostly it was too strong to use...

4. Clothes...we all brought too many...they can be washed...Pema's recommendation had been 3 outfits...that was plenty...and take into account buying clothes when you figure that one out. I found that a skirt with long underwear was the most practical and culturally sensitive option. I just about wore out the skirt I brought. I bought a shawl that was a silk wool blend and that was usually warm enough during the day...for early mornings or cooler days I had a light fleece jacket and hat...I didn't wear the hat much though...but I wasn't in Tso Pema either....was colder there.

5. Find a hot water coil as soon as you can once you arrive in India...was well worth the trouble of searching it out...

6. I brought my Lam Rim...was good for the flights but impractical to carry around...and I really didn't read much in India anyway...next time I would save it for when I returned home. And I learned that you could use just about anything as a meditation cushion...I'm no longer attached to the one I used before India...so just in case you were wondering how to go on pilgrimage without your cushion...

I am sure that there were more things that i wanted to include in this list...but it is late and I must retire for the night...so with that...I close this email...

Blessings to all the pilgrims who were with us in India and those that remained in America (or elsewhere) but participated strongly nonetheless...and much love,
Menma

Home

I definately feel "like a new one" as Rinpoche would say.

Pilgrimage with Rinpoche was a wonderful experience that changed me for the better in to many ways to list. Purification occurred beyond what I was capable of achieving here at home. Longstanding obscurations are gone and I am thinking much more clearly.

These changes have stayed with me and I feel that my inner practice is making great steps forward.

Thank you Rinpoche for a unbelievable experience!

Thank you to Jugney, John, Pema and others who made the trip so seemless for us.

Vultures Peak

We visited Vulure's peak on Jan. 13th.

At the Japanse Temple near the top, I sensed a great teaching hall with many inner teachings occuring there.

At the Vulture's peak alter, I sensed many bodhisattvas there still speaking and learning the wisdom teachings. The sky seemed full of an assembly of students listening to the wisdom teachings of the Buddha. It was quite wonderful.

Sarnath Inner experience

At the hotel in Sarnath, we did a group White Tara meditation in the morning of January 2nd in a hotel room. During the tara mantra at the end a wonderful inner experience occurred for me.

While we were chanting I heard the deep resonate voice of a gutu chanter chanting with us. As a child I had been able to make these noises but never know what they were for - quite a funny trick for a skinny little girl to perform at parties. I checked to see who in the room was chanting in that way. The two men in the room had lower voices but the noise was not coming from their direction and their mouths and breathing did not match the chanter exactly. I considered this for quite a while before I realized that it was coming from inner. I looked around the room to see if anyone else was hearing this. It would stop as I got more nervious and start up again as I relaxed. I finally decided to allow myself to be drawn inward toward the chanting.

I then heard a whole assembly of monks chanting with us. Again I pulled back and the sound stopped. As I trusted Inner Guru I was again drawn inward. It became louder and louder. I sensed that I was among "brothers" and saw a dark mahogany room with ornate thankas. I "saw" with my inner eyes monks in maroon robes, and then as I moved closer to the front of the room, monks in yellow/gold robes (or coverings) and finally monks with the yellow pandit's hat. I looked to see who the person on the teaching throne was but they were too brilliant for me to look at and radiated huge amounts of compassion and peace. I felt very safe and loved.

I came to end of my mala and expected the group to stop. I stopped and the inner monks seem to stop but when our group kept chanting the inner monks joined in again (with a bit of a laugh).

After the meditation was done, I asked the group in the hotel room if anyone heard anything. A number of the people in the room heard the deep resonate voice chanting with us.

I was still very inner and unable to speak much. I tried to tell Rinpoche about it at breakfast and she said to stay inner.

It was a marvelous experience!

Awakening to the treasure
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wherever I am
If I am with the Teacher
That place is more sacred
Than any pilgrimage place

Wherever I am
If I am with the Guru in my heart,
I am home.


A prayer for the path
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Breathing the One who is
the nature of compassion and wisdom
May I become the vessel
Of all medicines

May I spend the rest of time
Repaying to all beings
The unending kindness of my inner and outer Mentors.

Have I changed? Silently waited for a sign

I have wondered at various times if any transformations solidly or flexibly took place through the experience of pilgrimage. I knew I wouldn't have any way to truly measure the profundity of my experience until I observed a new response or obvious change in my own behavior and/or thoughts. Coming back I seemed to blend right in as if I hadn't left which was much different to the spiritual culture shock I experienced coming back from Bali, my first winter meditation retreat. (But perhaps this time I just learned to bring the interior back in and transition well. Being on pilgrimage versus a meditation retreat, one learns to keep an eye on the interior while shifting around in the external world as is needed for continuous traveling. And this is a good practice for being a continuous practitionner/meditator while living our every day lives in the 'non-retreat' world.)

Well, I waited for the signs without attachments. Just going about my life, business as usual, occasionally thinking, "any signs of change?". But one day, I noticed myself within a certain situation. I realized I had an option as to how and whether I reacted to a certain situation/family dynamic which has occurred many times throughout my life. JUST NOTICING I HAD AN OPTION AND THAT ONE OF THE DECISIONS WOULDN'T BE A VERY WISE RESPONSE WAS EVIDENCE that deep change had occured. I considered the results of both possible actions I could embark on and remembered Rinpoche's words, "Do not respond to anger with anger." Simple. Yet, as Rinpoche had pointed out in a teaching: One fact we know is that there is change. "What are noticeable changes and what are unnoticeable changes?" Examples from the students came: "Whether has noticeable changes... seasons.... physical body aging... objects breaking..., etc." But then one person said that "our emotions are examples of noticeable change." AHA! "Would that it were SO!" Rinpoche exclaimed. Apparently this is one of the changes that we experience regularly that are NOT noticeable. If we COULD notice when this change occured, perhaps we could do something about it, perhaps we would even remember that it was impermanent, perhaps we would not feel imprisoned by the grips of needing to keep or remove this experience of emotion.

Continuing along with my story... The fact that I could noticeably RECOGNIZE my state of mind, make a new decision and then even ACT upon that decision showed me that one of Rinpoche's teachings had stuck (ie: Do not respond to anger with anger) and that I had contemplated the deep wisdom enough times in meditation and contemplation throughout retreat that when the unexpected situation arose, the Dharma came to me like a person instructing me firmly on the path, drawing a line, not permitting me to make the wrong decision. As if a wrathful diety held me away from the obscuration with a flaming sword, not permitting my tongue to pass. My new decision floored me, because I had not realized it was not the right decision ever before. It was always just an automatic response that felt normal, familiar and thus comfortable within the family dynamic prior to this moment, and I had "always never" questioned my automated reaction. Suddenly this instant, Karma shifted. I was able to make a new decision, point my path in a new direction, and create a new Karma that would hopefully have more positive ramifications. In the moment, the lovely ramification was that I did not release my anger and receive temporary satisfaction at the cost of escalating the other person's frustration and slaying understanding. At the very least, we did not escalate, and at the very most, I did not cause my mother to stress and induce asthma. And perhaps enabled a good day and a good ripple to be released into the world. Perhaps she even enjoyed the moment.

As I like to say, Karma grew a bright new petal.

May your lotus bloom and benefit all sentient beings.